It is funny how I need to write. I feel like I am coming out of a cacoon. I once had no trouble bearing all on our website but now, I am in hiding. Yes it is ironic as I am on the world wide web hiding. But I am hiding from my website and all the people that I know are over there reading it. I cannot write to an audience because that taints what I have to say. I discovered that that was exactly what had happened. Also, I suppose a bit of writer's block? I just had nothing to say because we were no longer "sailing" and "cruising" and living this so called wonderful life that we had carved out for ourselves. So, what the heck does that mean? Did we stop living our lives for 4 years whilst living on smaller boats fixing up the next boat for our adventure? Yes, in a nutshell. Well, I did.

I have really struggled these past 4 years. Constantly battling to gain balance between living life in the present and waiting for life to begin in the next phase of our "adventure". I somehow lost myself. I also found myself. Because I now realise that all we truly have is right this minute. My father says, "if you don't like something, change it" which is not easy advice. Even if it is something you want to change, you cannot be so selfish. Choices made as a husband and wife and choices made as a family, are something all must consider. I have learned a lot about myself during these difficult times. Sharing a 28ft boat with 2 kids, hubby and a cat has brought out the worst in me for sure at times. I am not a saint. I have definitely moaned about our situation. My husband and children can attest to that. But I have also learned that I can do it, I can just do it happily or begrudgingly. The only thing we have in our grasp of control is our own self, our own happiness. I have wondered if I was being cheated out of my wants. But, I don't think so. What I really want is to not "want" anything. But just to be me and to be happy and to give love and happiness to others. I have realised that I do like a few things that bring me great comfort. They are...happy kids, happy husband, music, great food, nice scents and health, oh and running water!

Whenever I visit family or friends I find I get the "grass is greener" syndrome. I wonder what it would be like to have that house and the kids off at school and just be normal. It isn't that I really want it but I do think that it is probably easier from a mental stand point. Someone once blogged that living aboard is like a full time job. Yep, I have to agree with that. But perhaps a house is the same with its maintenance and day to day running and what not. I find that I long for a few more articles of clothing or shoes to choose from and then I come home and realise all I need fits in my rubbermaid box and I am content. Simplifying the outter self should theoretically simplify the inner self. However, that old needs vs wants fight starts all over again. Putting the theory to practice is an ongoing process. In order to simplify our lives, things have gotten quite complicated here at this marina and boatyard. We are now the king and queen of several aquired dinghies, 2 boats, 5 sheds, 2 vehicles (1 of which died some time ago) etc.

After a recent sobering, saddening, heart breaking loss in our family, we have come back to a get r done attitude. I think my husband was probably going through something these past 4 years that I will never understand. His battle to keep motivated, pacify the wife, deal with sugar spikes, make the money etc. was his own battle. He glimpsed into my little hell from time to time (homeschooling in a tiny boat, drunks and hookers as neighbors) and I glimpsed into his. It feels as though now, at this time, we are together again, all in the same boat working toward that final destination. I have decided that it is part of my DNA the, the desire to have a house. I am woman, I must nest and it is part of his DNA to seek adventure, he is man, he must hunt. So, once I have a floating home again on Yebo and we are out sailing we should both be very happy for it! I am planning to steer a course to the UK after a stint in the Caribbean. Because one other thing I have learned is how much I miss family and feel the need to be closer to them. I wish we could all be on 1 continent but that is never going to happen.